w.atching the w.orld unw.ind

Today's lyric:
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"Does the world get faster day by day? You better get a clear head, hey
What a shock? You better start to pray.
Even the dumb got something to say
Even the blind ain't lookin' away
But you better get a clear head, hey."

Graham Parker and The Rumour: "Clear head"
From the album: "Stick to me"

So it's the day of your driving test. Again.

Now - if you're using your own car, go and find the garage key now. It won't put you in the right frame of mind if you have to break the lock by gently reversing against the door. And deliberate damage is not covered by your insurance policy.

You should also have been practising de-erring. Following every instruction to turn right or left with "Errr" will display an ignorance of where your own arse and elbow actually are.

Before you even get into the car, your examiner will want to establish that you have reasonable eyesight. After he asks you to read a nearby registration plate, do not laugh with false good humour, saying "What car? Where? The examiner may be a humorless bastard who's heard that one several times before.

The examiner will want to put you at your ease and you should reciprocate. Therefore do not instruct him to "Make sure that seat belt's tight. My mate whacked the windscreen when I had to slam on the anchors."

During the test, you are expected to display courtesy to other road users. Do not flash hearses to make them speed up. The examiner may be a humorless bastard who's just lost his mother.

You should also avoid yelling out of the window "What do you think these L-plates are? Fcuking Scotch mist?" The examiner may be a humorless bastard who hails from the other side of Hadrian's Wall.

It is highly likely you'll be tested in an area you're both familiar with. You should therefore refrain from muttering "I've had 'er" when passing female pedestrians. She may be the examiner's daughter/wife.

Also avoid commenting on local properties. "What possessed them to paint it that colour?" might get you marked down if the examiner happens to live there..

Should you happen to pass a building displaying a prominent clock, do not exclaim "Christ, is that the time? I'd better get a ripple on, I'm meeting me mate down the pub after this." The examiner might be a god-botherer, or a humorless and teetotal bastard or now very, very scared?

Finally, when you're failed again, do not leave on a sour note with "Cheers, pal. I bleedin' hope I don't get you again." This will guarantee - with a racing certainty -that you will definitely be sharing the same white-knuckle ride again next time.

Labels: Public Service Announcementage