w.atching the w.orld unw.ind

Two thirds of the proceeds from the office swear tin goes here and the balance to our self-funded Sports and Social kitty. A reasonable compromise, methinks. (The tin says "Oh, sh1t" when fed.)

But it's not the usual profanities that bring home the bacon - because everyone got very wise to that very quickly and the tin wasn't saying much.

So we have words (or phrases) of the week - topical stuff which is guaranteed to catch everyone out. Including regular visitors who know that a charity benefits and so are happy to chip in.

And as we're all going here tomorrow night for a colleague's hen night (or "chicken evening" as it's had to be called this week, for fear of fine!) "tie" and "uniform" have also been on the proscribed list.

It'll be my first such evening - I'm nervous! Do I cut down a pair of perfectly good black trousers to make shorts (remember, it's February out there), or rip the arm off of an old shirt and wear Number One Son's old school tie skew wiff?

Answers on the back of a packet of Woodbines, please.