w.atching the w.orld unw.ind

The lugubrious Mr Tuckman met us at the door, his twitching cane a permanent fixture in his right hand. I would get to know that cane personally during the evening…

The bride to be enjoyed her “Chicken Evening” immensely. The Head Girl and her fellow ‘pupils’ ensured that drink flowed and the school meals arrived hot (late, but very tasty and not at all like I remembered school food to be).

Only us schoolboys were subjected to spankings. A groom and his best man declined the ‘offer’, suggesting that in these days of equality, the schoolgirls got caned instead? “If you want that, sunshine” quipped the Head Girl, “find yourself a one-handed website”. Huge applause all round, at that.

The compere compounded their ill-advised decision not to participate by asking the school to “Give me a W”, “Give me an A”, “Give me an N” (you could see where this was going..) Cue second burst of applause.

And then the bride-to-be nominated me for a caning! I took the first five without a murmur. Then the second five. And because I was still grinning, they finished me off with a full six.

With c. 35 pupils, it had the feel of a private class and a bigger attendance might have made for a rowdier evening, but it was just the right side of tacky and we have the photographic evidence. In deference to my work colleagues’ sensibilities, these will not be posted here (though there may be some indistinguishable ‘profiles’ that are webworthy).

But only if you ask nicely…